Struck Dumb

Ethan’s a close worker, residing directly inside my personal space. He labors to strengthen my mind and I luxuriate in it. Today Ethan is especially attentive. He sits so close we are inhaling each other’s breath. He looks deep into my eyes, well beyond my thoughts. I could sit like this all day, both of us staring at each other, blissfully silent. But Ethan wants to talk. He tells me he’s quit his job in Colorado. The internship was nearly over anyway, he says.

“What next?” I ask.

Ethan concentrates on my forehead, waiting for the answer to appear.

“I’ve been thinking about working for Doctors Without Borders,” he says.

My eyes grow wide, “Like in third world countries?”

“I realize it sounds extreme” he says, “but I feel I’m being led to do this. I keep trying to put it out of my mind, you know, because I’d hate to move so far away and leave my mother alone, but the idea keeps pounding me in the head.”

His mother? Uh, hello, we’re still a couple, right?

“I don’t understand,” I say. “Did we have a conversation I’ve forgotten—”

Ethan presses his fingers against my lips. I imagine he could tell by my crinkled brow I was about to babble and he wanted to stop me before I started.

“I never did share my surprise with you,” he says, exhaling profoundly.

“Oh,” I say, “I thought the surprise was you moving back to California.”

Ethan smiles and physically sinks to the floor. I crane my neck to see what on earth would draw this beautiful man toward the wretched hospital tile. He has one knee perched and the other pinned to the ground. His eyes are locked on mine.

“Kristen,” he says, full of breath, full of life. “I have loved you from the moment I first saw you.”

Ohmygosh is he doing what I think he’s doing?

A nurse slips into the room, looks at Ethan, smiles knowingly and leaves.

“Lord help me,” Ethan continues. “This is not how I pictured doing this but I’m tired of waiting so here goes.”

Ohmygosh he’s doing it!

“I praise God you have found Him. You were meant to know Him. But I’ve always known you were the one for me, so I would be here on one knee either way.”

Ethan pulls a small white box out of his pocket. It looks exactly like the one from a bizarre dream I had over a year ago. The colossal diamond catches every available ray of light and showers me in radiance.



“I love you,” he says.

Tears stream down my cheeks as he continues,

“I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.
I can’t imagine my life without you.
Kristen, will you marry me?”

I’m unable to speak, but my jaw drops as if I’m about to respond. I cannot utter a word. My heart pounds against my chest and I begin to feel awful because I can see Ethan’s smile fading with each disappearing second and still, I’m unable to speak. Minutes tick past viciously.

Rob walks in and sees Ethan holding out the ring.

“It’s about time young man,” he bellows as he gives Ethan a heaping slap on the back.

“Congratu—” Rob starts to say, then looks at me with my mouth agape and body frozen stiff. Rob looks at Ethan who closes the box. The dazzling ring can no longer be seen.

“Did I interrupt?” asks Rob. “I’ll come back—”

“No,” says Ethan. “I’ll go. It was too soon. I should have waited.”

Ethan’s tone is short. He won’t look at Rob, won’t look at me.

“I don’t understand,” says Rob.

I’m silent. Mouth open.

“You stay,” says Ethan to Rob. “I need air.”

Then Ethan walks out.

Rob looks at me with the most pathetic set of puppy eyes. If I could have just one prayer answered my entire life it would be that no one ever again looks at me with such eyes. Finally, I close my mouth but still, I have no words.

Rob takes my hand into his and sits next to me in silence.

KAC

The photo above is by Jdurham @: http://morguefile.com/archive/display/524280