Black and White

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been exhausted from dragging all the baggage of my past with me, to every event, every gathering, and every other moment imaginable. All this time I’ve been discontent with the way I have lived, primarily for myself and decidedly separate from God. At the same time I’ve been afraid to approach God, that He might just smite me if tried to utter a word in His direction. Many times I imagined my body and soul vanishing into a cloud of dust within the instant of a flash. I also feared what would happen if God actually listened to me, forgave me, and accepted me as His own. I was afraid I’d be seen as a traitor, as if by my moving forward in my spiritual journey I would leave friends and loved ones behind.

Then I reached a bend in the road. When I came to other side all I saw was white in front of me and black behind me.  Face-to-face with this startling bright whiteness I realized with perfect clarity that I needed to do what was right for me, in my journey, regardless of what anybody else was doing, and regardless of the risk. With painful lucidity I saw that I needed to move forward.

It all happened so fast. I got to church early on Sunday and grabbed Stephanie, one of the women who had taken care of me the weekend before when Victor had invaded the parking lot. Before Stephanie could open her mouth I told her I wanted a new beginning, and that I wanted to become a Christian. The words rushed out of my mouth like water down a thriving mountain stream. I could hardly believe what I was saying, but I was saying it, and I felt it too, within the deepest recess of my existence. Stephanie’s face flushed with delight. She moved swiftly, grabbing a couple other women and whisking us into the prayer room. Then Stephanie got calm and still. She looked at me seriously and asked if I wanted to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior. I said yes. She asked if I wanted to say the sinner’s prayer as an act of initial conversion into Christianity. I said yes. She said the words, and then I repeated them:

Heavenly Father, I know that I have sinned against you and that my sins separate me from you. I am truly sorry. I now want to turn away from my sinful past and turn to you for forgiveness. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that Your Son, Jesus Christ, died for my sins, that He was raised from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become my Savior and the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You and to convict me when I sin. I pledge to grow in grace and knowledge of you. My greatest purpose in life is to follow your example and do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

The women prayed some more and they laughed and they cried. Really, it was such a fuss! Stephanie encouraged me to tell other people about my decision. So I told Rob, who has since done the same thing!

I told my little sister Mary and her dad Steve. Ethan’s coming on Friday, so I haven’t told him yet, but I did tell him I have a surprise for him and he said he has a surprise for me too.

I told Caddie and Phil about my decision. (Needless to say, they were delighted). They are also coming on Friday. They’re coming with me and Ethan out on a boat to scatter my mother’s ashes into the ocean.

I don’t think Friday will get here soon enough.

It’s funny. Life feels almost exactly as it was before. Except that I can’t stop smiling.

KAC


The white and black photo above is by missyredboots at: http://morguefile.com/archive/display/155162